My online friends might be wondering where I’ve been for the past few days knowing that I’m very fond of updating my blog. As much as I wanted to publish my thoughts and emotions, I don’t have enough time to do so. Rather, time and strength. It has been a week since my grandma passed away. I’ve been busy days and nights with my family duties. The vigil corrupted me of outside world. I felt I was enclosed in a coffin, too.

God has been so kind enough to grant my secret wish. HE let granny die while I was at home. I’ve been very vocal to let them know about it saying that I don’t want to go home with funeral lights to welcome me. I wanted LIFE to embrace me for every monthly visit. What makes this homecoming different is the sad eyes of an old woman. My hugs and kisses are not enough to restore her back to health. It is very painful to see her gasp for her last breath. Yes, I was there on her last moment. I’ve seen how she tried to buy time from death. I’ve heard her say: “Not now…Not yet…Let me live until the end of this day…” She said those words since she’s aware that her sister and her daughter were still on their way to see her that same day. I was indeed lucky, I was never late. I know that she was not afraid to die. We had the so-called heart to heart conversation the day before her death. We were able to reminisce the old times. I was in deep tears when she leaned on my shoulder and spoke her loving request. She wanted me to take care of my parents and my siblings. She need not tell me. Being the eldest, I know how to deal. I was able to tell grandma how much I love her:
Lola: Wag nag umiyak apo ko. Namamaga na mata mo.
Liz: Eh pano, ayoko pa kayong mawala. Alam nyo namang mahal na mahal ko kayo. Di ba kahit nung mga bata pa kami.
(And I cried even more…)
Lola: Ay sa paanhin kung ako’y kinukuha na. Di ga’t kagusto kong kasama pa kayo..
*sniff*

Tears ended our conversation. I did not realize that it will be my last time to hug her and talk to her. As I’ve said, I was never too late. She’s gone and I accept it. But I find it difficult not to think of her. What really bother me are the days to come… NO matter how much I tried to think that she’s in a better place called heaven, I can’t help but miss her…her love and care to her favorite grand daughter. Forever she’ll be me in my heart. And forever I’ll thank and love her. Grandma, may you rest in peace. See you there when my time comes.